Joke Of The Day

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The  officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then  presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used  to have a last name but lost it.  The officer thinks that he has a nut  case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you  lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.'  I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When  I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.  I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my  degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD..  After a while I got bored being a  doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream!  Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.  

Got  bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.  

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD.  Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my  DDS  because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving  me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.


Ever wonder where the nickname "Johnson" came from? Of course you did. It's an old railroad term dating from the age of steam.

The Johnson lever, or Johnson bar, was connected to a gizmo that regulated the point at which steam stopped flowing into the cylinders. You could shut the steam off before the end of the stroke to allow for full expansion of steam by the time the cylinder hit bottom dead center and began the exhaust stroke. This made for more economical running. If you kept the steam on until BDC, you would get more power but at significantly greater fuel and water consumption.

The sign of a good engineer was his ability fiddle with his Johnson untill he got the proper balance of power and speed.

Tuesday Tool School

DRILL PRESS:  A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Hope you found this informative.

Replace The Monkeys!

 OMGs! Friday the 13th! What should we do today? Well....


If you start with a cage containing five monkeys and inside the cage,
  hang a banana on a string from the top and then you place a set of stairs
  under the banana, before long a monkey will go to the stairs and climb
  toward the banana.

      As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the other monkeys
      with cold water. After a while another monkey makes an attempt with
      same result ... all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water.
      Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the
      other monkeys will try to prevent it.

      Now, put the cold water away.

      Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one.
      The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs.
      To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the crap out of him.
      After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb
      the stairs he will be assaulted.

      Next, remove another of the original five monkeys, replacing it
      with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked.
      The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment... with enthusiasm.

      Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by
      a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to
      the stairs he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him
      up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs.
      Neither do they know why they are participating in the beating
      of the newest monkey.

      Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of
      the remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold
      water. Nevertheless, none of the monkeys will try to climb
      the stairway for the banana.

      Why, you ask? Because in their minds...
      that is the way it has always been!

      This, my friends, is how Congress operates... and is why,
      from time to time, all of the monkeys need to be REPLACED AT THE SAME TIME!

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"It appeared that there had even been demonstrations to thank Big Brother for raising the chocolate ration to twenty grammes a week. And only yesterday, he reflected, it had been announced that the ration was to be reduced to twenty grammes a week. Was it possible that they could swallow that, after only twenty-four hours? Yes, they swallowed it." - 1984 George Orwell.

Those NASA Boys According To A Navajo Elder

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a
Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among
the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son
translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon.
When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked
if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the
moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official
accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to
get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were
brief.

The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had
said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he
refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo
village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long
and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, an official government translator was summoned. After he finally
stopped laughing the translator relayed the message: "Watch out for these
assholes - they have come to steal your land."

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My thanks to dudekrtr of the TSP Forums for sharing this one! - Troy

"What kind of recovery is this? We don't know, but if it continues much longer we'll all be unemployed."-Bill Bonner

"The budget should be balanced, the treasury should be refilled and the pubic debt should be reduced. The arrogance of public officialdom should be tempered and controlled. And the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed, lest we become bankrupt.  - Cicero, 63 B.C.